really tho straight guys will go on and on about how uncomfortable it makes them when gay guys hit on them but lets be fucking honest how many times have u seen a guy continue to hit on another guy after hes visibly uncomfortable vs. how many times a straight guy has continued to hit on a girl after shes visibly uncomfortable
ALL OF THIS.
i feel like this is one of those things you can know and still not get. like, we know allowing ourselves to be vulnerable opens us up to all sorts of great things: personal growth, love, opportunity… yet we still fight it. why? because fear.
i happen to know someone whom i find rather [insert great things]. yet i recently realized i cannot look this person in the eye for more than about 30 seconds without making a concerted effort to do so. this is not natural for me - i am the direct, open communicating, look you straight in the face type. what is it with this particular person?
well, in reflection, i realized this is not the first time i’ve encountered such a situation, although the people involved weren’t always all that great. the reason i couldn’t look any of them in the eye? they invoke a sense of incredible vulnerability within me. and i have no idea why.
well, that might be a lie, in part. but i’m not gonna tell the whole world what part, lol. what i will tell y’all is that i’m opening up to the vulnerability. rosebuds too tight & painful n shit like that. i still worry about getting used/hurt/drained/etc. but i think i’m doing myself more harm by not being open to the fullness of life. and really? any time i’ve been hurt in more recent times, i’ve healed rather quickly. i think that’s because i’ve actually already started on this journey of being more open & taking more risks.
so this latest realization may just be the universe calling attention to some areas where i still struggle. or maybe it’s time for me to vibrate on up a little higher. either way, i’m ready. *exhales*
i was only half joking with somebody about my likely tendency toward daydreaming over this weekend. sadly, that is exactly what happened. and by sadly, i mean because i’m nowhere near done with the homework i needed to finish. most my day was spent either daydreaming or napping in a most uncomfortable position after daydreaming for too long. i *did*, however, wash clothes and my hair. (soon as i get pampered on tues, i’ma be hella cute again, lol!) too bad there’s no country for being hella cute in a phd program (seriously, take a look around. most of these folks look half dead. i’m not sure at least 30% of them aren’t.)
since most of the other part of my day was spent on twitter, i can’t find the will to be gracious with myself tonight. granted, i was trying to avoid putting myself to sleep in painful positions again but that didn’t help me get work done, either. this means i will be up late trying to catch up.
one day, i will learn how to control my daydreams. let’s hope this happens before i have to start studying for qualifying exams. preferably much sooner. so like, now. ( ._.)
so i pressed ‘post’ too soon… the other thing i was thinking about all day was this book i’m reading. it’s called loneliness & it’s by john cacioppo & william patrick. i actually like the book a lot! but it certainly hits close to home. the authors are talking about the impacts of loneliness on people’s lives. remember how i wrote the other day that this life isn’t meant to be left alone & it hurt for me to realize that? well, that realization came some months ago but the universe apparently thinks i didn’t get it. and perhaps i didn’t. this book is certainly cussing me AWLAWAY out, ever so gently. so yes, i’m having a hard time reading it. (i would say more about how this links to other things but i’m not gonna.)
at any rate, i’ve really been thinking about my struggles as a phd student & how misguided i was about how it’d be easier to go it alone. and i had a lot more to say, but i’m getting into my feels and it’s also getting late so i will get back to work and save the rest for a private post to be completed tomorrow.